That Stupid Day

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I had quite stressful 6 weeks in school without a break whatsoever.

Something happened in those 6 weeks, and I’m still actually quite frazzled by it.

Maybe you can help me out.

So here it goes:

I teach two science classes, one in Form 4 and one in Form 5.

The Form 4 class is generally a less than average class. Some of them IMHO, are not even well-equiped with the basic know-hows to survive the science stream, let alone excel in it. Spoon feeding is quite a necessity in teaching them and they thrive on rewards. Give them a task with a reward, then only they will berhabis to complete that work. Their philosophy is “Doesn’t matter how I got the work done, as long as it’s done”.  So I would say that although I love this class to bits, generally they’re not very bright and lack initiative, and is made worse by their lack of the competitive spirit and drive to excel in whatever they do.

The Form 5 class was my Form 4 class last year. This one… super initiative, almost everyone in this class are leaders in their own right, they are bright (by school standards), basically the harapan sekolah lah. You know that kind. And I was much closer to this Form 5 class because many of the students in this class were my class students when they were in Form 1 (when I first entered the school), so they were kind of my ‘first love’.

So okay, this stupid day which I was referring to was with the Form 5 class.

Oh yes, another thing you have to know is that I am a person who places homework on a very high pedestal. I always reason with my students that since they have no tuition or outside sources academically, their homework is the only way I can gauge whether or not they understand what they are being taught. (I know many people who would stand up and protest about my stance on homework and how it isn’t effective, how it breeds plagarism etc etc, but bear with me here ok?). So essentially, their homework is all about them, it’s for them more than it is for me. The only thing I ask is that when I ask for a certain homework to be handed in on a certain day, they must have it ready for me on that day or face the consequences. These “consequences” range from writing 540 sentences (don’t ask me why THAT number!) to standing out in the sun to public ketuk ketampi (I know, I’m not human, and in city schools I would have already been sued by uber rich parents who have no respect for teachers and who think that their kids deserve better. Honestly la, if they think their kids really deserve better, why do they even send them to  public schools lor, kan? But I digress…).

Okay, so ANYWAY… all through their Form 4 years, this class has learnt the benefits of complying to my “wishes” (after a few rounds of “consequences.” Haha!) and carried it on to Form 5.

However, being the harapan of the school has it’s drawbacks. They are often called to do something for the school, or help out a teacher in a certain project, or something else la that takes them away from their studies. This results in late submission of homework, or worse, no submission at all.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with them being involved in extra curricular stuff, but I require my students to always examine their priorities and learn to say ‘No’ to certain things (which they find it very difficult, after all, who can say ‘No’ to a teacher’s request, right?).

So I told myself, “Okay, be patient. Let it slide once in a while…” and THAT’S where the problem began to escalate.

For a few classes, some of them were handing in their work late. And I didn’t say anything except for “Late again?”

And then one day, I lost it.

It was like any other day. I walked into class, they scrambled to hand in their work on my desk. I checked their work to find that a few of them had not passed up yet.

So I said, “So, how now?” (should have said “brown cow” also, right?)

*silence*

After a while, and many repetitions of the same question, I told them, “Well, if you have no answer, you can eat my dust” and I walked out of the room, in a huff.

Can’t say what they taught or felt at that moment. All I knew was that I felt deep disappointment. I was so disappointed in all of them (although only a few of them didn’t pass up their work) because it seemed to me that everything that I had tried to instill in them over the years didn’t seem to sink in. It’s like they never even learned from their mistakes. It was so frustrating (coupled with the fact that I had an equally exasperating Form 4 class that day, then again they’re ALWAYS exasperating) that as they get nearer and nearer to the most important exam of their lives, they seemed to slack even more.

And so I thought there was only one thing left to do. The thing which I have never done. The last resort: take a step back.

Maybe the reason why they were so lackadaisical was because they were too comfortable with me. They had me all figured out, and how much I loved them. I thought maybe they needed a little rude wake up call.

So, I gathered all their notes for the rest of the year, and I wrote a note saying “This is the rest of the notes which I have yet to give you. You can copy them if you wish, you can do the homework stated there if you wish. It’s up to you. I cannot keep pushing a wall that doesn’t want to move. I’m very tired.”

At THAT moment, I really meant what I said. Like super drama, right?

But, after I cooled down, I realised that it would be unprofessional and super immature to do so la. Still, the drama had already been played out, and I got a note of apology from the class after that.

So what’s the problem, you ask?

Well, the problem is this: I go to class and teach as usual, but now I’m the “cold hearted” teacher, who just goes in and teaches and then leaves. I no longer leave them homework to do. I no longer have all the small, silly talks during class we used to have.

I have become “unapproachable” to them.

But (aha! the twist!), it’s all an act. Really!

Or is it?

This is what confuses me.

What do I really want then?

I want to tell them that I still care very much for them, I still have the same dreams for them, I’m still here.

I want to tell them to wake up and get serious about their work.

I want to explain why I did what I did.

But, although I have gotten their letter of apology, I want them to approach me and talk to me first, because in everything that has happened before, I was always the first one to voice out. Now I want it this way, in order for them to wake up.

Is this really necessary?

I would say yes, because this is the “second head fake” (as Randy Pausch would put it) that I want them to figure out.

But, really? Like this?

***

Here’s another thing I have been thinking about these days:

I’m usually one who believes in the “One class, one boat”, meaning to say that if someone doesn’t pull his weight, the whole class suffers.

Example:

If one person doesn’t hand in their homework on time, the whole class has to be punished.

Why? Well, mainly to teach them that although they will take the exams individually, they are in the same boat, in the same class, taking the same journey. And since they only have each other to depend on, they should be responsible for one another, and have to look out for one another, so that they can journey together. No one should get left behind (unless for very special reasons).

***

Need some perspective on the above. Sigh…

I’m a psychological basket case lor.

“It’s not easy to be me…” ~Five For Fighting~